Why Does It Exist?

Archive for 2012|Yearly archive page

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Podcast #36: Brando Unauthorized (2011)

In Podcasts on August 13, 2012 at 2:40 pm

One of the rare occurrences in which I have nothing to add.

One of the things that Why Does It Exist? has taught me is that you can get away with a shit-ton of dubious legal measures if you exist somewhere in the nether regions of Hollywood. After last week’s egregious ripoff of many of Hollywood’s best-loved films, we tackle Brando Unauthorized, a biopic done without any consent from the Brando estate and with all the integrity of a dollar-store R-Patz biography. Triple-threat auteur Damian Chapa (who has also portrayed Roman Polanski, Bobby Fischer, one of the Menendez brothers and… uh, Leroy Jenkins)  produces, directs and stars as Brando, a particularly brave move considering this lumpy fortysomething also portrays Brando at the tender age of 16 – certainly the world’s doughiest sex symbol.

As told through the eyes of Brando’s no-goodnik junkie murderer son Christian, Brando Unauthorized celebrates the great actor and innovator for everything he did that was of no particular worth: showing his ass to Talia Shire, multiple fisticuffs and extramarital affairs, telling his dad to stick it where the sun don’t shine and various other sundry melodramatic nonsense. If Ulli Lommel somehow began directing fiction features for TMZ, it would look something like Brando Unauthorized.

Having reserved Brando Unauthorized months ago, WDIE contributor and workhorse pedant Mickey O’Narey joins us for a frank discussion of what Brando means to this world as well as a lot of gesticulating and microphone-peaking impressions of Brando. NOTE: Why Does It Exist? does not condone or condemn the usage of dubious Jersey Shore impressions.

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Dragon BFF by Which is Which is the featured track this week. You can find it on the 5 Songs About Creatures EP. Which is Which is performing as part of the FAST Festival in Sorel on August 17th and the Musique en Folie festival in Valleyfield on the 18th as well as La Sala Rossa in Montreal on September 30th.

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Podcast #35: Eldorado (2012)

In Podcasts on August 7, 2012 at 8:24 pm

”Based” on the ”idea” of The ”Blue Brothers”.

And so, all things move towards their end. Episode 35 marks the final episode with Dan as the weekly co-host of Why Does It Exist? as our furry friend moves on to the greener pastures of Ontario, where he’ll pursue his dream of being a railroad hobo. Worry not, gentle fans; Why Does It Exist? is not going anywhere. We’ve decided to celebrate this momentous sliver of time with Eldorado, a film that has long been taunting us with its seemingly endless runtime of TWO FREAKING HOURS.

Sure, for your average film, two hours isn’t much. But for this incomprehensible, mind-melting mish-mash of The Blues Brothers, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Reservoir Dogs, Heaven Can Wait, Kung Fu, Blazing Saddles and every other staple under the sun, it’s downright perverse. Jewish Blues Brothers impersonators The Jews Brothers end up facing off with sick cannibal killers in this musical that replaces the original songs with terrible canned bar-band covers and manages somehow to shorehorn in performances by Michael Madsen, Darryl Hannah, David Carradine, Drop Dead Fred‘s Rik Mayall, Steve Guttenberg, Brigette Nielsen, Jeff Fahey, Patrick Bergin, Bill Moseley and Peter O’Toole in a series of intentional mishaps that may or may not be legal. This quintessentially WDIE film was, unbeknownst to us, a pitch-perfect way to usher Dan into the ‘occasional co-host’ role.

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Music this week by alter egos. The song Native Tongue off their Free States EP can be found at their Bandcamp. They will be performing at Saint-Ciboire (1693 Saint-Denis) on August 11th, 2012 at 9:30 PM.

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Podcast #34: Bad Girls from Valley High (2005)

In Uncategorized on August 1, 2012 at 8:37 am

This wistful picture of Christopher Lloyd brought to you by mortgage payments and unwise financial decisions.

Because we hadn’t seen Dan in some time, we decided to pick up where we left off: teen movies from the turn of the century, preferably of the obscure and unreleasable kind. Bad Girls from Valley High is a Heathers-ish black comedy that sat on the shelf for more than five years despite the presence of an Outsiders-like cast of up-and-coming talent (Julie Benz! Monica Keena! Chris D’Elia! Aaron Paul!) and established A-listers like Christopher Lloyd and Janet Leigh in its midst. We guessed it was most likely because it would be terrible; we discovered it was mostly because it was bungled genius.

As we don’t mention on the episode because we didn’t know at the time, Bad Girls from Valley High is adapted from a Goosebumps-ish parody of young adult literature. Due to a lack of budget and schizophrenic tone, this doesn’t really come across in the movie, leaving instead Aaron Paul’s award-worthy portrayal of snivelling nerdery and Lloyd’s background pratfalls to deliver 1/10th of the promised genius. Also discussed in this episode: boners, Breaking Bad, teen heartthrob Rider Strong, Dan’s imminent (but not fatal) move to Toronto, why Alex doesn’t like Jay Mohr, the douchiness of Danier-style leather jackets, etc.

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Music this week by The Hawks. The song Eclipsed can be found on their Bandcamp. They will be opening for Young Men at Il Motore on August 16th.

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Podcast #33: Dream a Little Dream 2 (1995)

In Podcasts on July 20, 2012 at 8:34 am

As this was VHS, I had to settle for this candid culled from my vast archive of Two Coreys-related material.

After 33 episodes, another dream is finally crossed off the bucket list: we finally watched a pointless, straight-to-DVD sequel to a movie no one cared about in the first place. In fact, we’d not even seen the original. In a novel twist, Dream a Little Dream 2 predates the whole Road House 2: Dalton’s War / Wild Things 9: Buttsmash phenomenon by almost ten years. Indeed, Dream a Little Dream 2 pits the protagonists of the original forgotten body-switching comedy, Corey Haim and Corey Feldman, against a femme fatale and a mobster who seek to recover the Coreys’ magical pairs of sunglasses that are highly sought after for their impressive mind control abilities.

Although one would expect plenty of shenanigans and cheeky humor based on the work of those crappy hypnotists they hire at company Christmas parties, Dream a Little Dream 2 mostly squanders its runtime on unfunny circular conversations, faux-trippy dream sequences and inane chase sequences comprised almost entirely of cost-cutting measures.

Joining me for the second week of Dan’s self-imposed exile in a Tibetan monastery is past guest and current Lolita-like sexpot thespian Alex Weiner. Alex appears in the short Attack of the Brainsucker, premiering this week at Fantasia. For more information about the projet Alex is working on with filmmaker Rafal Zielinski (he of Sundance winner Fun fame), check out the Tiger Within website.

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Music this week is Out of the Past by the Redmond Barry’s. You can find it on their 1949 Murders EP, available here. The Redmond Barry’s will be playing at Death Church (just around the corner from Why Does It Exist? HQ) with Hopeless Youth on August 22nd as well as performing as part of the Pop Montreal festival this September.

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Episode #32: Falling From Grace (1992)

In Podcasts on July 13, 2012 at 8:37 am

If Mellencamp could find a way to hook his thumbs into his belt loops while lying down on his stomach, he would.

Nothing has ever quite tugged at Why Does It Exist?’s heartstrings like unmodulated hubris, especially from rich and famous musicians having a bad couple of years. That’s why we decided to watching Falling from Grace, an ill-advised bid at legitimacy from heartland rock pioneer John Mellencamp (who stars, directs and scores) wherein he uses incest and tense family relations as a fantastic excuse to stick his thumbs in his belt loops and pout. Great character actors are alternately smashed with a frying pan or demoted to senile comic relief status while Mellencamp works his way through the single-most laborious and painful way to make an album ever captured on film by the dude who shot Billy Madison.

We enlisted Shawn van de Peppel, drummer of The Hot Showers, webmaster of Them Blue Midnights and president of the Northeastern Montreal Mellencamp Superfans chapter to help us parse through this mess of don’t-wanna-talk-about-it anthems. You can check out his writings, drumming and weiner shots all over the Internet!

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This episode’s music provided by Ol’ Savannah. The song ‘She Done Gone to the Devil’ can be found on their Underneath the Big Red Barn album here. Ol’ Savannah is performing at  Terrasse St-Ambroise on Friday, July 20th and embarking on a tour of the Maritimes starting on the 21st.

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Podcast #31: Longshot: The Movie (2001)

In Podcasts on July 6, 2012 at 12:41 pm

This is what appears to be a coffee-stained picture of our Efron-like lead, Joey Sculthorpe, and his luxurious ‘pone’.

Nothing makes you more keenly aware of your mortality than seeing a time that seems like the recent past turn out to be dated and painfully lame. It happens to everyone and it happened to us while watching Longshot: The Movie, a film so rooted in its turn-of-the-century time period that it prominently features O-Town, LFO and N*Sync on the box (and, thankfully, the film). Written and produced by by sweaty Floridian svengali Lou Pearlman (he of Backstreet Boys and spending-25-years-in-federal-prison fame), it’s a hybrid gangster / teen film packed with cameos from such childhood luminaries as Dustin Diamond, Kenny Rogers and Lisa Turtle from Saved by the Bell. It’s about something, I bet (something about spying for trade secrets and also being bullied by Zachary Ty Bryan), but for us it was mostly about the non-stop barrage of cameos, each more useless than the next.

To properly experience this laugh-a-minute thrill ride, we invited Orlando native Andy White of TONSTARTSSBANDHT and Andy Boay to bring in the unique Orlando perspective of the Sunshine State’s jazz age, the fabled boy-band era. Suffice to say that the only person better positioned to deal with Longshot: The Movie (not to be confused with Longshot: The Podcast or Longshot: The Superhero) would’ve been Lou Pearlman.

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Music this week provided by Sheer Agony. The song ‘She’s an Artist’ can be found on their self-titled 7’’ available here.

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Podcast #30: Being Michael Madsen (2007)

In Podcasts on June 27, 2012 at 10:15 am

If tabloids were more about Michael Madsen and less about the okra that gave Oprah superpowers, I’d probably read them.

If there’s one thing we enjoy here at Why Does It Exist?, it’s enabling B-list celebrities to stroke their own ego through would-be satirical movies about the cold, callous and lifeless desert that is Hollywood. Before there was Not Another Not Another Movie, however, Michael Madsen starred in another ‘comedy’ of dubious satirical value. Being Michael Madsen is a reality-bending mockumentary which chronicles the heady days when Michael Madsen changed the world of celebrity forever by hiring a documentary crew to harass a paparazzi, thus ensuring that the hunter become the hunted and securing the world from their prying eyes until Bieber would once again change the core temperature of Earth by maybe tripping over somewhere around a paparazzi. Along for the ride are luminaries like Darryl Hannah, Harry Dean Stanton, Madsen’s ego, Virginia Madsen, Madsen’s hubris and Lacey Chabert.

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Music this week provided by Brusque Twins. The song A Voice in the Night off their Voice in the Night EP can be found here.

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Episode #29: Blast (1997)

In Podcasts on June 19, 2012 at 8:35 pm

Terrorist… or golfer? Who says you can’t be both?

Sometimes life throws you a curveball. Even a show as meticulously prepared and researched as Why Does It Exist? can come upon some problems. We thought we were watching Blast, a film starring Breckin Meyer and Shaggy as they took down some evil terrorists – but what we were actually watching was Blast, starring Johnny Cage from Mortal Kombat and Rutger Hauer as they take down some evil terrorists. When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Topics covered include orgies, the Vidal Sassoon fortune, Shia LeBeouf laying out the beef for a Sigur Ros video, Dan’s mom, the girl next door in the ‘It Wasn’t Me’ video, BetaMax piracy and a veritable treasure trove of nonsense.

We’re joined this week by writer and musician Pamela Fillion who has known Alex since forever and really wants to tell the world about how he was in high school, but that’s something for a different podcast that will never exist. You can find her writing at Forget The Box and her music here.

We’re also joined for the first time by Danica Fogarty, who usually watches the movies with us but declines to comment on them. Evidently, Blast was a rare beast.

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Music this week by Zach Roth and the Ghostrockets. You can stream their debut album Mountains on Mars for free here and purchase it on iTunes.

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Podcast #28: Bachelor Trip (2012)

In Podcasts on June 10, 2012 at 8:07 pm

Why Does It Exist?: providing screen captures of Oscar winners jerking it since 2011!

Why Does It Exist? celebrates the coming of summer with Bachelor Trip, a sunny beach sex romp starring a quasi-geriatric cast that includes Christopher Walken, Morgan Fairchild, Robert Wagner and Rutger Hauer as a pencil-mustachioed Frenchman named Jean-Luc. Two best friends head to a tropical paradise after one of them is left at the altar for Herc from The Wire and his prodigious sunflower-seed eating abilities. Then, in a plot twist probably taken from the classic film Boat Trip, they get into all kinds of pratfalls and shenanigans pertaining to the fact that everyone thinks they’re gay. Certainly the only movie in Why Does It Exist? history (and perhaps all of cinematic history, though I have to admit to never having seen Sarah, Plain and Tall) to feature a Christopher Walken masturbation scene, Bachelor Trip is the kind of sexless sex comedy we can get behind.

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Music this week provided by Alexei Martov. The song ‘The Road’ can be found on their Steve Albini-produced Scent of the Wolf EP, available for pay-what-you-want download here. The band will be launching the EP at Trois Minots (3812 Saint Laurent in Montreal) on Saturday, June 16th starting at 10 PM.

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Episode #27: Percy (1971)

In Podcasts on June 3, 2012 at 7:21 pm

Pretty much the funniest, sexiest part of this so-called sex comedy.

Everything’s gone topsy-turvy in this week’s episode: we record the opening and dissection four days apart, the music is by Dan and this would-be slapstick comedy about a penis transplant actually turns out to be neither a comedy or explicitly about what it purports to be about. Percy is a brooding dramedy about a man who goes to unnecessary lengths to find the former lovers of the sizeable, philandering penis he’s inherited after a naked guy falls on him. Surprisingly it’s very light in shenanigans and tomfoolery, but it provides us with a large canvas in which to make an array of penis jokes the likes of which have only been seen on more unsavoury corners of the Internet.

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Remember to visit our brand new Tumblr page featuring a bevy of stills from episodes past and present!

Music this week provided by Tyger Tyger. The song ‘Hell Won’t Be So Bad With You’ off the Caramel Log Cabin album can be downloaded here.